"you don't know where i've been lou."

how?

something so perfect.

we were perfect.

i ruined it.

b, i'm not the monster i turned into. if what we had needs to die, then please lets bury it together. let's grow something beautiful again out of the soil. b, we were each others first and last thought. we were best friends. we were each others everything. how could i forget that? the tears i've shed could grow a cyprus to maturity. b, it's different. it's me before i got lost. i'm here again.

"i'm sober now for three whole months, that's one accomplishment that you helped me with. the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won't touch again."

but you're not.

you're not that same girl. somewhere between the stopping of the facebook comments and the overall lack of saying anything, you changed. whether it was my arrogance or my distain, you let go. slowly. i saw the pain in your eyes. your beautiful blue eyes. i saw the hurt. but it didn't compute. i didn't get it. i was so lost in myself, up down and around, they controlled me. my first and hardest step is forgiving myself for this. i may never.

b, hind sight is 20/20. but thats not cutting it. b, you deserve the person you fell in love with. you deserve THAT guy. the guy who everytime he saw you would pick you up and twirl you around. the guy who brought you flowers when you were upset. the guy who KNEW what was going on. not the addict. not the misery. nor the suffering. you deserved none of that. it took what happened that night and a many steps in the right direction again for me to understand.

"why the fuck do you have that gun in your mouth?"
"not my mouth, tyler. our mouth."

you say there's nothing i can ever do to have you again. you also said you'd never leave... you once whispered forever, now you shout never... b, there will be the day of reconciliation. i pray it's not at death's door. i know you talk to Him. probably asking for the strength to let go of me. probably asking for Him to never let you hurt that bad again, to never let me in your life again. he's forgiving. but what i was doesn't deserve it. i don't deserve forgiveness. b, i love you. still more than anything. and that's why i'm letting go. you deserve so much more than i was. you deserve to be happy.

"does he make you smile tess?"
"well danny, he sure as hell doesn't make me cry."

-d