to write love on her arms

folks, the day will come where it will all be ok. don't give up the fight. never give up the fight. as someone who still wakes up with a slight uneasy feeling, i still know there's a reason i'm still here. there's a reason we are all here. were made for more than what our minds trap us into thinking we are. if i'm pulling myself out of the water, at least let me pull a couple of you out with me. there's always hope. there is always a reason you take you next breath, your next step, your next thought. there is always a reason. don't focus on finding that reason, you'll find it when you're not looking for it. it'll be there, and everything will make sense. everything will have been worth it. goodnight and God bless you all. -kevin reynolds

best friends means...

list's gettin shorter.

check here. check there.

pretty soon time to make a new list.

first thing: job.

second thing: mental clarity

"is this what you call tact? you're a subtle as a brick in the small of my back."

i hope you choke and die.

baby's coming. means he's probably coming in town right? or haha does he even care that much? i've got a 20 that says he doesn't. maybe you've figured it out already... o0o he doesn't give a fuck! NO WAY! who saw that coming?! o wait, i did. didn't want to tell you, figured you enjoyed your soapbox. raging into me? fun was it? haha. for others to be ok with your problems, you have to be ok with them. you have to have them in check. i've learned it. how bout you? liar? naw, the word doesn't even begin to describe you.

muah. a kiss to the wind for you. may it grace you, and break you. remind you of all you threw away. i hope you sit and cry to end each day. may you always remember the day you almost had me at hello. cuz i'll always know i had you at GOODBYE.

"this isn't just goodbye, this is i can't stand you."

the world is a vampire

writers block.

is it bad that im flailing at writing a blog about my thoughts and ideas? has it gotten to the point that i have no more thoughts or ideas? no.

smashing pumpkins. billy corrigan. bald head. thom wright. lifeguard station. the boyz. fun. excitement. joy.

what gives?? cold again. u havent frozen me. u have no control of me. i have control of me. i steer myself. u dont. go the fuck away. im tired of being happy then think of some bullshit reason that you upset me. fuck you. get outa my head. im tired of you. bye. gone. leave.

phew.

is laughing a defense mechanism? how do you act when shit hits the fan? when u cant control whats goin on around you? when things upset you? is laughing a way out? is forcing yourself to be happy truly mean youre happy?

or is smiling the same thing? when you see a pretty girl. what do you do when your eyes meet? smiling helps. i like smiling. and i like pretty girls. hmmm.

not so deep or literate today. but its word vomit. which way is forward? and how do i figure that out?

"they tell you to pray if you want to go to heaven. but they never tell you what to do when your whole lifes gone to hell."

...we want her gone forever, its time to let her go...

b,
i'm running out of words and breath. i can't do this anymore. it's not worth the hurt. this winter will be cold. the way i like it. let the chill thicken my blood, so that this matters never again. the only place to go is forward now. onward into the abyss. may the winds always be at your back and the sun in your face. i still believe dealing with your death woulda been easier than this. at least then i wouldn't have the pain of dreaming that you may come back. leave my dreams. leave my thoughts. leave my heart and take this pain with you. i'm sick of this. please for my sake and sanity, please just leave me be.

-d

okay i believe you, but my tommy gun don't

I am heaven sent,
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew..

I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad
To be where they are,
With whoever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about,
Who I don't wanna write about anymore.
Hope you come down with something
They can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh its so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard.
Cause you cant keep a secret
If it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth,
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
That works harder than my heart.
And its all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh it hurts to be this good.
You're holding on to your grudge.
Oh it hurts to always have to be honest
With the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go..

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe.
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend,
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason your alone,
This is the rise and the fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe.
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

-brand new

each day, the pain is less and less. but that just means i'm learning to live with the emptiness. i'm living with the gaping hole in my chest/stomach. b, the thought of you coming home still renews hope, but it will kill me yet.

-d

"you don't know where i've been lou."

how?

something so perfect.

we were perfect.

i ruined it.

b, i'm not the monster i turned into. if what we had needs to die, then please lets bury it together. let's grow something beautiful again out of the soil. b, we were each others first and last thought. we were best friends. we were each others everything. how could i forget that? the tears i've shed could grow a cyprus to maturity. b, it's different. it's me before i got lost. i'm here again.

"i'm sober now for three whole months, that's one accomplishment that you helped me with. the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won't touch again."

but you're not.

you're not that same girl. somewhere between the stopping of the facebook comments and the overall lack of saying anything, you changed. whether it was my arrogance or my distain, you let go. slowly. i saw the pain in your eyes. your beautiful blue eyes. i saw the hurt. but it didn't compute. i didn't get it. i was so lost in myself, up down and around, they controlled me. my first and hardest step is forgiving myself for this. i may never.

b, hind sight is 20/20. but thats not cutting it. b, you deserve the person you fell in love with. you deserve THAT guy. the guy who everytime he saw you would pick you up and twirl you around. the guy who brought you flowers when you were upset. the guy who KNEW what was going on. not the addict. not the misery. nor the suffering. you deserved none of that. it took what happened that night and a many steps in the right direction again for me to understand.

"why the fuck do you have that gun in your mouth?"
"not my mouth, tyler. our mouth."

you say there's nothing i can ever do to have you again. you also said you'd never leave... you once whispered forever, now you shout never... b, there will be the day of reconciliation. i pray it's not at death's door. i know you talk to Him. probably asking for the strength to let go of me. probably asking for Him to never let you hurt that bad again, to never let me in your life again. he's forgiving. but what i was doesn't deserve it. i don't deserve forgiveness. b, i love you. still more than anything. and that's why i'm letting go. you deserve so much more than i was. you deserve to be happy.

"does he make you smile tess?"
"well danny, he sure as hell doesn't make me cry."

-d

choke on this

Half smoked cigarettes and you're the trash that infests my sheets
can't make a wife out of a whore, don't want your skin on me
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust
Detoxing in the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf

So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust,
Detoxing in the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf

I'm here lying in your bed babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my james dean, I'll be your sweet queen"

I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close now
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many

Can you grant me one last wish
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf.

-senses fail

b,
i cant put it in any better words.
-d

memory, all alone in the moon light

woah

this is what it's like to be productive. i forgot. still on the job hunt but started studying again. i can't let this college thing kick my ass anymore. its stupid to try and barely get by. i need to do work. and that's what i'm doing. no more sittin around watchin the tide roll in. i can relax when i'm dead. hello old reliable responsible kevin. nice to see you again. what's on your agenda today? oh actually doing things? not sitting on your ass?

bravo.

as for the pain. meh. b, not today. you won't get the best of me love. not today. today i'm doing things and bettering myself. today i make something of myself. today, i actually DO. no more trying. because trying is failing.

... look i aint never had a dream in my life, because a dream is what you want to do but still haven't pursued. i knew what i wanted and did it 'til it was done so i've been the dream i've wanted to be since day 1...

a lil aesop for the blood.

so is it counterproductive or coincidence that once i've started doing things and producing, that i want a cigarette again? a week without cravings, then oh look a productive day.... FIENDDDDD...

i don't get it.

i don't want to succumb to the cravings. but. i've been doing so well, should i be able to indulge in a nice menthol?

is that so wrong? will one more pack of cigarettes kill me? i can afford them... and i REALLY want one.

sigh.

well that's enough rambling and complaining for now. see even on the productive day i find things to complain about. what an asshole.

-d

the force

the jedi say:
"there is no emotion, only knowledge"

they are fools.

the emotions. the feelings. the power.

the dark side of the force has its prowess. but even they are clouded with their greed and lust.

to truly be a student of the force one must realize there is a balance of good and evil. both have their advantages and disadvantages. but to deny oneself of either is naive. to walk the line of good and evil is true power and knowledge.



what i'm getting at is if one doesn't understand the balance of emotion and knowledge, they will never truly live. to be feelingless is to be a robot, lifeless. to be too emotional is irrational and fool-hearted. not saying that sometimes there are places where one must exceed the other, either in a logic decision or emotional showcase, to have too much of one without the other = bad juju.

one must also come to an understanding with oneself before they can begin to understand their surroundings. zone in yourself. feel the force flowing within you. feel the stillness of life. then feel the motion. learning the balance of life is today's lesson boys and girls.

-dark jedi